Earla’s Story
Look at where I am in my life now…
Me, who was terrified of people, who became basically
housebound for 6 years because of the intense fear
of people, never relaxing or enjoying being with
people or being a person myself.
As a little girl, around the age of 5, I started
to feel ‘strange’, not wanting to leave
the house, always wanting to be with my parents,
my safe people at that time. When I was 10,
my Father died; he was the person that meant the
world to me and at this time depression set in. Slowly
my fears, my fear of others judging me negatively
and feeling that all eyes were on me took over. Everyday
things, such as phone calls, eating in public, talking
to people, walking past people, just being a ‘normal’ person
was impossible. I would hide from people as
much as I could.
I started depending on drugs and alcohol as a teenager
to allow me to walk out of the house to go to school,
to go to parties, to be with people. It was
my way of dealing with the problem. My panic
attacks started at this time, as did my suicide attempts. I
also became a really good actor; I was the happy
one; I was the perfect one. From the tip of
my toes to the top of my head, everything was perfect. I
learned that people looked at me and thought, well,
Earla is happy and all put together; she must be
doing fine.
In my late 30’s my panic was with me all the
time and I started to experience the symptom of depersonalization
more and more. Walking outside, I felt like
I was in a tunnel. I felt this kind of pressure
feeling in my body pushing me; it felt like I was
being pushed to the ends of the earth. It felt
like I was floating above people and myself and I
felt like I was leaving my body. This was really
terrifying for me. But if I told someone, I was sure
they would ‘lock’ me up.
I was not responding to the psychiatrist I was seeing
after my Father’s death so the doctor told
my Mother to take me to Penatanguishine, a mental
health hospital up north. The hospital was
huge and had this immense fence and the people outside
the hospital looked ‘strange’. My
Mother told me if I did not straighten up, that is
where I would end up. That was when I started ‘play
acting’.
The anxiety took over my life; it was with me all
the time, even when I was sleeping. I became
physically ill and was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue
Syndrome in 1993. I gave up hope; all that
I felt was despair. I was terrified of my family;
I wondered, “what do I say to them? Everything
I say is stupid and no one wants to listen to me”. I
was so afraid, even to be with my 8-year-old nephew;
I thought he was judging me negatively too.
Suicide seemed so sweet to me, the only choice I
had left. I could no longer go on with my life
with all the pain, panic, and desperation I was feeling. It
hurt too much to live.
But somehow, at the age of 44, I went to a local
centre, specializing in the treatment of people with
a variety of mental disorders and found a psychiatrist. He
told me I had social phobia and that with certain
steps, cognitive behaviour therapy and medication,
I could get well. I had to trust this man;
he gave me hope. I put my life in his hands
and he gave it back to me. The only way I
can thank him is to continue to be the best I can
be.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is not easy. It
is a lot of work; it is very emotional and can be
a slow process. I needed a lot of determination,
effort and belief in myself that I could do the homework
that was given to change my thought process. But
it does work, and in the end I had my life back. The
anxiety no longer controlled me; I controlled the
anxiety. Now I am not afraid of doing what
I fear; now I am afraid of not doing what I fear. I
want my life – I want my complete life back. I
want to live.
I have kept a journal since 1992 of my anxiety disorders
and depression. It contains my thought records
and my feelings of wanting to give up and the joys
I found in my life. I am hoping to have my
journal published so other social phobics realize
they too can get well and that they are not alone.
In 2001 I started the Social Phobia Support Group
of Toronto. We are now a non-profit, charitable
organization with over 90 members. What a gift
these people are to me. Sometimes in a meeting,
someone that has not been able to say a word speaks
up, someone that could not finish school returns,
someone that was not able to drink in front of people
does so in group, or someone that was not able to
work is able to work. What a gift they are.
Always remember, believe in yourself. Face
the fear, face the fight. Your life is the
only thing that completely belongs to you, fight
to get it back.
Look at where I am in my life now.
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